O, Wretched State! O, Bosom Black as Death!

 I don't really have much to say about the plays.  They are both gorgeous and wonderful.  This should be the headline of this season.  And, to be honest, the reason I came back to direct and act in one show while also acting in Steph's show was because I was very much committed to making this season the best ever.  

Lisa Coffi did an amazing thing in creating this festival.  Now that she is retired, I felt a need to do all I could to make sure SBTS survived.  Not only survived but thrived.  And on that count, we are great! This may very well be the best season we've ever had.  The last time we did Hamlet, we also had a great Midsummer, that may give this season a run for its money.  Our Tempest/As You Like It season was also fantastic.  But this really may be the best season of Shakespeare by the Sea we've ever had.  And I am so happy to be a part of it.

But I'm a mess.  Since the attack, I'm fucking broken.  Not just my thumb, which is quite literally broken. It's like the veil of safety that I always walked around with has been pierced.  The illusion that my big-dude, white, male privilege that I took for a coat of armor is essentially the emperor's new clothes.  Now, I assume everybody has a gun, and I start having panic attacks at the sight of anybody in a hoodie, and I fucking hate it.  (I also understand that women and POC walk around feeling this way all the time, and I never took that for granted.  I hated it for them.  I understand it on a different level now and hate it all the more).

I know I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. (I leave off the "disorder" part of this diagnosis, because my dad was one of the foremost experts on healing wounded warriors, and "disorder" means it can't be healed.  My dad helped his warriors overcome PTS. That knowledge is helping to heal me too...I hope).  I'm not sure how to deal with it right now, though.  I am used to working through my trauma with my mom and dad, but they are dead. And I always had Keith to bounce things off of, but he is dead too.  I have a wonderful and supportive family!  Annie has been amazing, and my sister wanted to fly out and throw those dumb kids over the bike rack, like she did the fifth graders who were talking shit about me when we at Loma Heights Elementary. But at the core of my problem is me. I work through things by blogging and figuring things out, and I'm the thing that I can't figure out right now. 

(This was my dad. I miss him, and it isn't lost on me that I'm doing a play about the "poison of deep grief" one feels when losing a father).

I also have the kindest, most empathetic, caring, and generous community.  I have so many people to thank, that I'd get played off halfway through my speech if this were an awards ceremony.  Annie and I are so overwhelmed by the love and support of the SBTS and Little Fish family, who literally hired movers for us this week.  I don't know what we would have done without that assistance.  I would have broken many other bones trying to do it all by myself this week.  Thank you all!

And yet...I'm a mess.  Even with my besties, Tara and Steph, taking the best care of me that they can, I'm still a mess.  Tonight was rough.  It was my last night in Pedro (thank God) for a while. We go on tour starting tomorrow at Hess Park.  

--Side bar--I didn't want to step out of the plays after the attack, because I don't want those fuckers to win, and also because the only place in the world I have ever felt safe is on a stage.  The world on a stage is manageable.  I know what I'm going to say and do, and what I am going to wear and where I'll stand.  And I'm really good at taking what the other actors give me and responding in the moment.  (I've made the analogy before of what I read when Mike Tyson was young and was quoted of saying that the only place he felt safe was in a boxing ring--where another guy was trying to beat his brains out.  He was trained for it and understood the rules).  But that reason doesn't seem all that great now.  I mean, I do need to work, because we just moved and I am broke, and that is another very large reason why I'm still in these shows, but it is so hard to simply get in the car and go to the park that it has me shaking.

Anyway, I'm very hopeful that being away from Pt. Fermin Park and traveling to these other cities will be of comfort and help me get through this season.  It sucks that my best hope is to survive this.  This should be the time of my life.  I'm doing what I love, with people I love, for audiences that are over-joyed to have us there.  And yet, here we are.

--Side bar 2-- We had a group of high school aged kids in the audience for Hamlet Friday night.  They are performing Hamlet in Idyllwild at a theatre camp.  And it was so good for all of our collective souls to have their energy and enthusiasm there. This is why I keep doing this thing which is becoming more and more difficult to do every single year.  I need much more of that to balance the books before this season is done.